Baelfire

Dear Bae,

I’m so sorry. I thought that I would be the one to watch you grow old, and that you would be my boy forever. I remember the day I got the call that you had been born. I was very excited to meet you, and asked for pictures immediately. Your first mom sent me pictures right away; you were so beautiful, I couldn’t believe it. I named you Baelfire, because you were red and I was obsessed with Once Upon a Time. I remember waiting for two month before I could pick you up. I bought you a little collar and leash. You road home in my lap. I watched you play with my two little boys. I watched you terrorize Lilly, your kitty sister. And then I watched you two become best friends. You were such a silly puppy, with your big blue eyes and goofy smile. I remember watching you snap at the water in the pool, roll around in the fall leaves, chase the tennis ball over and over again. I remember holding you tight, and your sweet puppy kisses.

You kept me company on those late nights when Nick was still at school. You comforted me when I was sad. You followed me everywhere. You were my Bae-boo.  I remember when we gave you a haircut, and daddy accidentally shaved you bald. You had to wear a sweater for months.

I remember when you had your first seizure, and how scared I was. I remember carrying you up the stairs and holding you tight. But even still, you were focused on me. You always seemed to know when I was sad, and you’d sit with me calmly.

I loved the sound of your little feet on pavement when we’d go for walks together. You weighed only about 18 pounds, but you could still drag me excitedly down the side walk. You weren’t a fan of car rides, but you sure loved to go for walks.

I remember when Nick was in Panama, and I was lonely. I had you. You slept by my bed every night. You sat next to the bathtub when I was in the shower and made sure my feet were clean when I got out. You kept my kitchen ant-free. I remember when we decided to get your sister Emma, and how quickly you two fell in love. You went with us to pick her up from your first mom's house. I watched you take her from a puppy to a dog, and loved to watch the two of you together.

Bae. I’m so so sorry. I never wanted to do this. I never wanted to let you go. I cry, missing you every night. I wait to hear your little feet. I stop myself from whistling for you to come. I stare at the place where your crate used to be and realize I’ll never see you again. Sometimes we have to make horrible decisions. Sometimes what we want we can’t have. I watched you grow up. You’ve been mine since the day you were born. And now I’ve had to give you away. I have to trust a stranger to keep you safe. I have to realize that I won’t be the one holding your hand when it’s your time to leave this world. And it tears me apart inside.

I’m going to miss your wiggly butt. I’m going to miss how you’d run around in cirlces and find something soft to sit on anytime I’d run my blender. I’m going to miss how you hacked when you drank water too fast. I’m going to miss your god-awful bark. I’m going to miss those bright blue eyes. I’m going to miss the way you smell. Your soft fur and snuggles.

I miss you so much my beautiful boy. You will be in my heart forever. I’m so sorry that I had to give you away. Please forgive me Bae, please. I’m so sorry. I hope you are able to be happy with a new family, and that they love you as much as I love you. I hope you have a big yard and plenty of tennis balls to chase. I hope they take you on walks and leave crumbs for you on the kitchen floor. I hope you and Emma can find a home together so you never have to be apart. I hope you are happy for as long as you live.

Oh my sweet boy. I love you so much. Please never forget me.

Your mom